Requisite annual Burning Man post (this time for people not attending)

August 30, 2015 at 8:34 pm

[Original author unknown, my contributions in square brackets]

Not going to Burning Man this year?  Take a playa vacation from the comfort of your own home:

1) Stack all your fans in one corner of the living room.

Put on your most fabulous outfit.

Turn the fans on full blast.

Dump a vacuum cleaner bag in front of them.

2) Tear down your house, put it in a truck.

Drive 10 hours in any direction, put the house back together.

Invite everyone you meet to come over and party.

When they leave, follow them back to their homes, drink all their booze, and break things.

3) Pay an escort of your affectional preference subset to not bathe for five days, cover themselves in glitter, dust, and sunscreen, wear a skanky neon wig, dance close naked, then say they have a lover back home at the end of the night.

4)Buy a new set of expensive camping gear.

Break it.

5) Lean back in a chair until that point where you’re just about to fall over, but you catch yourself at the last moment.

Hold that position for 9 hours.

6) Only use the toilet in a house that is at least 3 blocks away.

Drain all the water from the toilet.

Only flush it every 3 days.

Hide all the toilet paper.

[Finally acknowledge that everyone in a 5 block radius is also using said toilet.]

[While balancing delicately between dust, moop, bodily fluids that didn’t quite hit the mark, the broken urinal, realize that there are flyers still stuck to the walls from 5 burns ago.]

7) Set your house thermostat so it’s 50 degrees for the first hour of sleep and 100 degrees the rest of the night.

8 ) Cut, burn, electrocute, bruise, and sunburn various parts of your body.

Forget how you did it.

Don’t go to a doctor.

9) Don’t sleep for 5 days.

Take a wide variety of hallucinogenic/emotion altering drugs.

Pick a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend.

10) Spend a whole year rummaging through thrift stores for the perfect, most outrageous costume.

Forget to pack it.

11) Tell everyone that you’re going to a “Leave-No-Trace” event.

Shop at Wal-mart, Cost-Co, and Home Depot until your car is completely packed with stuff.

Empty your car into a dumpster.

12) Listen to music you hate for 168 hours straight, or until you think you are going to scream.


Realize you’ll love the music for the rest of your life.

13) Spend 5 months planning a “theme camp” like it’s the invasion of Normandy.

14) Walk around your neighborhood and knock on doors until someone offers you cocktails and dinner.

15) Get so drunk you can’t recognize your own house.

Walk slowly around the block for 5 hours.

16) Tell your boss you aren’t coming to work this week but he should “gift” you a paycheck anyway.

When he refuses accuse him of not loving the “community”.

17) Search alleys until you find a couch so unbelievably tacky and nasty filthy that a state college frat house wouldn’t want it.

Take a nap on the couch and sleep like you are king of the world.

18) Go to a museum.

Find one of Salvador Dali’s more disturbing but beautiful paintings.

Climb inside it.

19) Before eating any food, drop it in a sandbox and lick a battery.

20) Spend thousands of dollars and several months of your life building a deeply personal art work.

Hide it in a funhouse on the edge of the city.

Hire people to come by and alternate saying “I love it” and “this sucks balls”.

Blow it up.

21) Set up a DJ system downwind of a three alarm fire.

Play a short loop of [the most boring deep house you’ve ever heard] until the embers are cold.

22) Make a list of all the things you’ll do different next year.

Never look at it.

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